43
“Becoming who we are meant to be?
Funny how that happens in midlife when you are utterly exhausted from keeping up with everything you thought you should be. Exhausted from playing a role for so long that your soul taps you on the shoulder one day and asks you if you are ready to get real or not. And you can choose to keep running and keep performing or you can lay it all down and finally get real with who God created you to be.”
- Jenni Starling
There are times that I often feel like an imposter. Did y’all know that this feeling is actually a “thing”? Not only does It have a name….it is apparently a real psychological thing. It’s called imposter syndrome. Impostor syndrome is the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, not because of your talent or qualifications. An estimated 70% of people experience these impostor feelings at some point in their lives. Here I am, at the edge of 43, smack in the middle of a pandemic, feeling all those feelings.
The truth is that I feel like I peaked early. I was the CEO of a non-profit by 30 and even after that pivotal success, it was not enough. For years I was chasing that success dragon. I was chasing the dragon to feed the persona that I created for myself, a character of sorts. Perfection and performing became a drug of choice. I got all of my validation there as I would outwork and outperform anyone. I was wildly successful professionally but not personally. Then one day the light came on. I looked around me, and I did not recognize myself. So a few years ago, just shy of my 40th birthday, I gave it up. I gave up perfection. I gave up on trying to keep up with this character I had created and decided to focus on myself.
The work, the real work, in my life has happened in years where I focused on my soul, my intentions and my true beliefs. My definition of success had to be completely rewritten. Mike Foster says that “success and popularity may be celebrated in our culture, but they are not qualities that produce heroes. What we miss sometimes is that those we would put in the success category have fought many battles in their own lives. Character is formed through adversity and overcoming. Happiness is not something only lucky people get; it’s a byproduct of becoming who you were meant to be.”
Becoming who we are meant to be?
Funny how that happens in midlife when you are utterly exhausted from keeping up with everything you thought you should be. Exhausted from playing a role for so long that your soul taps you on the shoulder one day and asks you if you are ready to get real or not. And you can choose to keep running and keep performing or you can lay it all down and finally get real with who God created you to be.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will show us with his comfort through Christ”.
Did you catch that? We suffer...God comforts us, then we use that to comfort others.
So maybe just maybe laying the veil of performance down allows us to unlock our true authentic selves. Mike Fosters says “This means that you no longer have to audition for a part or play a part or pretend to be anything other than a child of God. You already have that part. The role that you always wanted has already been granted to you. The tryouts are over, and it has been officially decided that you will play you. The programs have been printed, and all that is required now is that you embrace every aspect of who you are. And please, please, for heaven’s sake, don’t play someone else.”
Don’t play the role that social media, your job or your circle of friends expects you to play. Can I be real honest here? The real Jenni sometimes gets social anxiety. The real Jenni is not as brave as you think she is. The real Jenni is REALLY insecure about her thighs, gives advice better than she takes it and can devour a can of Pringles in two seconds flat. These parts of me, I always hid and still sometimes hide because I am easily pulled back into the world of my imposter. Although performing and perfecting is easy for me, being real and vulnerable (while it may seem like it comes naturally to me) is actually terrifying.
What I have learned during these years of rediscovery is that this imposter life does not protect me from pain. Life is drenched with that even on its best day. The pain of the past that you carry and hide should and will resurface as wisdom. This wisdom will allow you to look in the mirror one day and not recognize the person you see. That same wisdom will allow you to throw performing away and embrace your passions which will one day, if you are really lucky, become a compass for you. There is something liberating and also terrifying about letting passion not perfection and performance compass your life. Are we ever truly alive without it?
As I am on the edge of 43, I am so proud that I finally looked in the mirror that day. It changed my life forever. Whatever your age or position in life, may your own reflection today remind you that you are free to lay down the veil of the character you are playing and become the beloved he has called you to be.
Here is to living and loving our best selves, our real selves, and leaving those imposters in the past where they belong.
Be Well.
