Holy Suffering
“To feel holy chosen for your suffering is a Jesus lens kind of perspective. I was chosen to experience the earthly suffering because the kingdom nearness and spaces where the Spirit of God flooded my flesh was preparing me for a future not possible without God. I wouldn’t change it. Not one day. Not one tear.”
-Kara Palmer
I know suffering to a degree that I never thought I would. The day my greatest suffering came to and end, I cried hysterically out loud in the car in a parking lot. And just to give you a reference point, I am not much of a crier anymore. Life has been hard on me and my edges are rugged and my heart is jaded. This crying was a crying like I have NEVER experienced. It was a whaling earth shattering sound. It was the most intense grieving I have ever endured. I remember saying to myself, “Kara you are crying like you are burying someone. Like burying someone you love dearly, like a best friend.” And then, in that moment. Another whispering from the Spirit of God. “Kara, you are burying something. It is your best friend, suffering. And today, it ends. It is getting buried.” I seriously equate that level of grieving to the loss of what it would feel like to lose a child, or best friend or someone you loved more than life.
I can’t explain or put into words how freeing and horrifying that release was for me. It was definitely a time stood still kind of moment. A year later, as I slowly begin to process that burial and the almost 10 years of hell I went though before the proverbial dirt covered the casket, I have this conclusion. The suffering that was horrific and excruciating was a “Holy Suffering.” To call our suffering “holy” is a Jesus lens kind of perspective. It is the kind of perspective that allows you to still talk about the goodness of God when life deals you a really unfair deck, like childhood cancer, or adultery, or fertility issues or addiction that robs you in every way possible. I don’t know what your suffering will look like. I know that you will experience it though. I know I am being all vaguebook about the details of my suffering but there is a time for everything, and now is just not that time.
But this is what I want to share with you about the ability to see your suffering, your pain, your loss, as a holy experience. Your suffering is producing for you an eternal glory. It is a kingdom come kind of experience because the Most Holy of holy’s will inhabit the spaces of our suffering if we allow Him. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 The holiness of God can and will fill every crevice of your brokenness and permeate a peace that you may have never experienced had you not suffered. We can’t get more of the Spirit of God. It was given as a deposit in our belief. How much the Spirit of God will have of us depends on how willing we are to invite Him in. Like the Holy Spirit is in your house but some of the rooms are locked and not available to visitors. Will you allow Him into the hole of your suffering? Will you allow the one pierced for your transgressions to enter into your pierced heart?
I haven’t been able to get God’s response to Moses from the burning bush out of my mind these last few weeks. To have the God of the universe speaking from a bush and telling Moses to remove his shoes for the GROUND he is standing on is HOLY. This same Holy God has a spirit that chooses to take residence in our bodies, in our brokenness, in our suffering. Wow!
There is something about suffering that will show us heavenly glimpses that we may not have known had we not suffered to such depth. I think about my own experiences with suffering, and I cannot put into words how bad it sucked. It was a daily suffering for almost a decade y’all. Through it all, God was still good and the suffering I experienced was holy chosen. To feel holy chosen for your suffering is a Jesus lens kind of perspective. I was chosen to experience the earthly suffering because the kingdom nearness and spaces where the Spirit of God flooded my flesh was preparing me for a future not possible without God. I wouldn’t change it. Not one day. Not one tear.
This story could have ended differently you know. I could have chosen for the worldly suffering to create a big mess of bitterness, hatred and God-angst. Some people choose that path. I am kinda surprised I didn’t choose that road. Instead, I have my arms outstretched bearing my heart and wounds in front of the world prayerfully pleading that the suffering I was chosen for will continue to be what God planned for them, Holy and God glorifying.